The maid of honor just puked.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
