Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
