OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
