I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
