In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
