Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
