I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
