I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Let's get the cat blown out
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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