In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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