I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
