I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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