There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
