Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
