Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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