next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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