He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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