If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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