Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
