her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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