I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
