I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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