there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i think my cat just said my name.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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