Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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