Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
