how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
