I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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