Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
