The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
