omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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