Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
