I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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