so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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