It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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