My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
