I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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