Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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