I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
