Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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