Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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