Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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