You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
