Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Your cock deserves a montage
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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