I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
