I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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