Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
