im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
