Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
