its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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