Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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