Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
